My friend told me that three years ago, over a simple and trivial issue, he had a terrible fight with his sister. He said things he shouldn’t have. After that, they both gave each other the silent treatment. Their grandmother, who was always the mediator, tried several times to reconcile them, but each time he proudly said, “No, she must apologize first.” The grandmother, heartbroken, had a stroke one night from all the distress. A few days later, when he went to see her, he looked into her eyes and cried. Not from pain, but because she saw that he was still stubborn. She said a few words, but he didn’t understand. After that, she never regained consciousness. Now, every time he remembers that foolish fight, his heart aches. Not because he couldn’t forgive his sister; the problem was that he wouldn’t let himself be forgiven. It was around those days that he understood forgiveness is not something you only offer to another. Sometimes the hardest forgiveness is the gift you give to yourself.
Forgiveness; Neither Forgetting Nor Weakness
Many of us think forgiveness means being so big that you overlook others’ mistakes. Or worse, that it means forgetting what happened. But the truth is, forgiveness is neither forgetting nor weakness. Forgiveness means you are letting go of your right to revenge, not necessarily that you approve of what the other person did[1]. This conscious choice is like saying: “I don’t want to stay in the prison of anger and resentment.” Yes, you’ve been hurt, you have a right to be upset. But you shouldn’t let that memory take over your entire present life[2]. Perhaps that kind grandmother’s deepest wish was that we wouldn’t lose each other to pride. Her heart’s message was: “Forgive, but not for them, for yourself.”
Why Forgiving Is an Inner Healing
To be honest, forgiveness is more than a moral virtue; it is a powerful tool for mental and physical health. Studies show that people who forgive have lower levels of stress and anxiety, sleep better, and even have lower blood pressure[5]. Anger and resentment eat away at your psychic energy like a cancer. Every time you hold a grudge against someone, you are actually replaying that scene in your mind and releasing the same stress hormones again. Forgiveness breaks this vicious cycle[11]. But it’s not just about the mind. Our bodies also suffer from resentment. Chronic stress weakens the immune system, raises blood pressure, and even damages the heart[13]. Forgiving brings calm back to the body. It’s like taking a heavy backpack off your shoulders. Now you can breathe more easily.
Why Is Forgiving So Hard? From Obstacles to Solutions
Let’s be honest. Forgiving is not always easy. Major obstacles stand in our way. First, the depth of the hurt itself. The greater the offense, the harder the forgiveness[18]. Second, anger and pride. We think that if we forgive, we appear weak. But the strongest people are those who can let go of their right to revenge[19]. Third, fear of being hurt again. We’re afraid that if we forgive, the other person will do the same thing again. Fourth, the lack of an apology. Many times the other person doesn’t even know or doesn’t want to apologize[21]. And fifth, lack of empathy. If we cannot put ourselves in their shoes and understand that maybe they too were a victim of circumstances, forgiveness becomes harder[20].
To overcome these obstacles, there are several simple steps:
Step one, accept your own feelings. Don’t deny your hurt, anger, or disappointment. Say, “I have a right to be upset.” Step two, make the decision to forgive. Make that decision, even if your heart isn’t ready yet. Step three, practice empathy. Ask yourself: “If I were in their place, what would I have done? What circumstances drove them to this?”[22]. Step four, give yourself time. Forgiveness doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a process. And the final step, seek help from others. Talk to a trusted friend or a counselor[23].
Simple Exercises to Let Forgiveness Flow in Life
The good news is that forgiveness is like a muscle; it gets stronger with practice. You don’t have to start with the biggest wounds in your life. Start with small things. For example, forgive the person who honked at you in traffic today. Or the shopkeeper who was rude to you. The first practical technique: “Looking into the other’s heart.” Before judging, pause for a moment and ask: “What experience has this person had? What pain led them to this behavior?”[26]. Second, “A letter you don’t send.” Put all your pain and distress on paper. But don’t show the letter to anyone. Just write it for yourself and put it aside. This empties the mind. Third, “Change your inner story.” Instead of saying “He hurt me,” say “A situation occurred in which I got hurt.” This shift distances you from the victim role[27]. Fourth, “Practice on yourself.” Before forgiving someone else, start with yourself. Tell yourself: “I also make mistakes. I also need forgiveness”[30]. Fifth, “Mutual silence.” In the heat of an argument or tension, don’t respond immediately. Stay silent for a few seconds and just look into the other person’s eyes. This silence says: “I see you, I understand you, but I don’t want to shout”[28]. Sixth, repeat the word “freedom” in your mind. Whenever the painful memory returns, say to yourself: “Freedom.” Not to forget, but to free yourself from that memory’s grip. Seventh, “Daily forgiveness.” Every night before sleep, forgive one person – even yourself – even if only for a few seconds. This gradually turns forgiveness into a habit.
When Forgiveness Saves Relationships
You might not believe it, but most relationships that fall apart because of a single mistake could have been saved if forgiveness was present. Forgiveness stops the cycle of violence and revenge[33]. When someone makes a mistake and you forgive them, you give them the chance to make amends. Trust is rebuilt. Empathy grows. And a relationship that has survived a crisis is usually deeper and more lasting than one that never faced a challenge[34]. The same is true at the societal level. When forgiveness becomes a culture, violence decreases, social peace is established, and people feel more calm and secure[35]. Forgiveness is not just a simple moral recommendation; it is rooted in human nature and perfection.
Sources
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[11] Cohen, S. (2015). Social Support and Mental Health. Tehran: University of Tehran Press, p. 112.
[13] Razavi, H. (2019). Empathy and Mental Health. Journal of Educational Psychology, Volume 13, Issue 2, p. 145.
[18] Batson, J. (2017). Empathy and Social Relationships. Tehran: University of Tehran Press, p. 89.
[19] Carnegie, D. (2011). How to Win Friends and Influence People. Translated by Kaveh Mirabbasi. Tehran: Alborz Publications, p. 123.
[20] Farsijoo, A. (2013). Psychology of Communication. Tehran: Samt Publications, p. 156.
[21] Sharifian, F. (2011). Life Skills. Tehran: Arasbaran Publications, p. 98.
[22] Noorbakhsh, Y. (2009). Psychology of Interpersonal Communication. Tehran: Arasbaran Publications, p. 134.
[23] Haeri, M. (2017). Ethics in the Quran. Qom: Islamic Propagation Office Publications, p. 89.
[24] The Holy Quran, Surah Noor, Verse 22.
[26] Mousavi, S. (2018). Mechanisms of Understanding Others in Islamic Culture. Journal of Cultural Studies, Volume 12, Issue 3, p. 89.
[27] Fathi, M. (2017). Empathy and Human Communication. Journal of Islamic Psychology, Volume 5, Issue 1, p. 33.
[28] D. W. (2013). Social Psychology. Tehran: University of Tehran Press, p. 156.
[30] Hasenbloom, S. (2016). The Psychology of Empathy. Tehran: Alborz Publications, p. 112.
[33] Rafiei, B. (2018). Social Capital and Mental Health. Tehran: University of Social Welfare and Rehabilitation Sciences Press, p. 123.
[34] Diener, E. (2015). Happiness: Uncovering the Myths. Translated by Mahnaz Minaei. Tehran: Ariana Publishing, p. 145.
[35] Waldinger, G. (2018). The Good Life. Translated by Farshad Ahmadi. Tehran: Novin Publishing, p. 167.
[36] Goleman, D. (2017). Social Intelligence. Translated by Kaveh Mirabbasi. Tehran: Ariana Publishing, p. 134.
