1. The Morning After Two Questions
In the morning, gray light came through the curtains. The laptop was still open on the desk. The two questions from the night before were still there. Before getting out of bed, Negar stared at them for a few seconds. “Why might a person not have a bad life, but still not enjoy it?” And below it: “What does a good life even mean?” The words were motionless and silent, like two stones by the roadside.
She ran her hand over her face. Last night she had searched for answers for hours. Today she decided not to look for answers. She decided to look for what needed to change. Something she could touch, plan, act on. Something that wasn’t an answer, but a solution.
She got out of bed, put her feet on the cold floor, and stood there for a few seconds. The house was silent, but not the silence of the night before. This silence was morning silence. Empty of expectation.
2. The Life-Saving List
She poured her coffee and sat at the desk. The espresso machine made its usual sound, and the bitter smell of freshly ground beans filled the kitchen. She picked up the cup and opened a new file. This time she didn’t write a philosophical question at the top of the page. The white cursor blinked at the top of the empty page, and she typed:
“If this changes, will I feel better?”
She looked at the sentence for a few seconds. Change. A word that until a few days ago meant a sociological theory to her. Now it was becoming a possibility, a probability, maybe even a necessity.
Then she typed the first word:
Work.
She had been teaching at the university for years. Class, article, meeting, student, research. Her job wasn’t bad. Many even wished they were in her place. But maybe that was the problem: it wasn’t bad. Her life was full of things that weren’t bad, but for some time now, there hadn’t been anything truly good in it either.
Next to “work” she wrote: “Change jobs?” Then she paused and added: “Or at least a semester off.”
3. Relationship, Maybe or Definitely?
The next word came a little later. Negar looked up from the screen and stared at the window. The weather was cloudy. A few birds flew from the plane tree on the street and left. Then she returned to the screen and typed:
Relationship.
She held her hand still for a few seconds. Then she wrote: “If there’s someone?” She looked at the screen. She deleted it. She wrote again: “If there’s someone I wait for?” She kept this one. A very small smile appeared on her face.
Not because of a specific person. Maybe just because for the first time, she had taken its possibility seriously. All these years she had thought she could be alone. Not that being alone was bad, but maybe life is different when you have someone you’re excited to see.
Three words remained on the screen: “If there’s someone…” An unfinished question.
4. Where Is the Trace of Life?
Negar got up from the desk. She looked around the house. The house was tidy. Too tidy. The sofas were in their places. Books on the shelf, back to back. The plant by the window, its leaves had turned a little yellow but it was still standing. The desk without any extra objects. Everything was fine.
But suddenly the house felt like a room where no one had truly lived for years. Not that it was lonely. Just… the trace of life was scarce in it. No half-finished book on the table. No dirty glass left in the sink. No coat thrown on the chair. Everything was in its place. Like a hotel room that is tidied every morning.
She looked at the sofa and said to herself: “Maybe I should change it.” Then she laughed at herself. She muttered: “The sofa or my life?” No answer came.
5. Money for What?
She sat at the desk again. She wrote:
Money?
This time the answer was quick. No. Then she thought a little. She crossed it out. She wrote:
More money?
She paused again. Her salary was good. She had savings. She had no serious financial problem. But she remembered when the last time was that she had truly been excited about something. The trip two years ago? No, it was good but not exciting. The new coat? No, when she wore it she felt nothing. A phone? A book? None.
She said to herself: “Maybe I need more money.” Then almost immediately she asked: “For what?” She had no answer. Because she didn’t know what she wanted to buy. Money, for someone who doesn’t know what they want, is just a number on a screen. She deleted it.
6. A Café by the Sea
The next word almost came by itself. As if it had been hidden in a corner of her mind and was now coming out:
Travel.
She opened the browser. She searched for a few destinations. Istanbul. Paris. Shiraz. A coastal place. Somewhere no one knows her. Somewhere she doesn’t have to be a university professor. Somewhere she won’t remember her mother. Somewhere no one asks her: “Are you okay yourself?”
She paused on one of the photos. A small café by the sea. For a few seconds she imagined herself there. Morning. A cup of coffee. An unfamiliar street. No meeting. No hospital. No article. No question. She smiled. This one might be the answer. Maybe she just needed to get some distance from this life. A fresh breath. Some new places.
7. The Heaviest Word on the List
The list was getting long. She went to the bottom of the page and wrote:
Mother.
This time she added nothing. She just looked at the word. What if her mother became like before again? What if her memory returned? What if she called her in the mornings again and said: “Negar dear, come for breakfast”? If that woman on the hospital bed became the mother she remembered? Would she herself become okay again too?
She put her hand on the keyboard. She typed nothing. Then she wrote slowly: “Maybe.” But this “maybe” was more of a new question than an answer. An unanswered question. Like all the other questions. She looked up from the screen and stared at the ceiling. Mother. A word heavier than all the other words.
8. The Life-Saving Project
She looked at the bedroom mirror. Her hair was messy. Her face looked a little tired. She looked herself over for a few moments. Then she returned to the desk and wrote:
Myself?
Below it: exercise. Clothes. Hair. Body. Going out more.
She smiled. “Great.” The list was gradually turning into a project. A life-saving project. But she herself knew that a list is a list. Checking it off doesn’t change life. Unless she actually does something. Tries one of them.
She looked at the list for a few seconds. Exercise, clothes, hair, body. All of them were ways to distance herself from herself, or to get closer to herself. She didn’t know which.
9. Everything with a “Maybe”
Now several words were visible on the screen: work, relationship, house, money, travel, mother, appearance, lifestyle.
She pushed the chair back. She looked at the list. They were all logical. If she changed her job, maybe she would feel better. If she entered a relationship, maybe. If she changed her house, maybe. If she traveled more, maybe. If her mother got better… She looked up from the screen.
Maybe. Everything started with a “maybe.” But one thing was strange: she couldn’t say any of them with certainty. She didn’t know which one was the answer. She didn’t know which one would truly change her. She only knew one thing: she didn’t want to sit and think anymore.
10. A Small Excitement, a Small Expectation
She pulled the laptop closer again. She looked at all the options. Then she chose only one.
Travel.
Not to escape. Or at least that’s what she told herself. A real trip. Alone. A few days. Somewhere no one knows her. No class, no meeting, no hospital, no mother, no Iraj, no Farhad.
She paused for a moment. Why had Farhad’s name also come up in her list? She smiled and said nothing. Then she entered the booking site. She chose a date. She looked at a few options. And for the first time in a long while, a small excitement settled in her heart. Not a big excitement, something like a faint anticipation. A small expectation.
Maybe a person doesn’t always need to find the answer to life. Sometimes they just need to change one thing. A small thing, a practical thing. And then see what happens.
11. A Heart That Beats
She had almost made her decision. She just returned to the screen one more time. Last night’s questions were still in the previous file. She looked at them. “Why might a person not have a bad life, but still not enjoy it?” And: “What does a good life even mean?”
She closed the file. This time she smiled. She muttered: “I don’t need to know the answer right now.” She closed the laptop. She picked up her phone. She opened the calendar. She chose a day and wrote: Travel.
One more week. A ticket. A destination. A small suitcase. And a heart that, for the first time in these days, was beating for something. Maybe it still didn’t have the problem solved, but at least it was a movement. A step forward.
12. Something Is Waiting in the Future
That afternoon, Negar was looking out the window at the street. The sun was setting behind the buildings, turning the sky orange. A woman with her child crossed the street. A young man on a bicycle passed by them. Life was moving forward.
She closed the calendar. One more week. A small suitcase. A destination that was still just a few photos on a screen for her. For the first time, something was waiting for her in the future. And that was enough for her to go to bed a little earlier than usual that night.
She still didn’t know that some desires make a person happy before they arrive, and some, right after arriving, create a new question. But she also didn’t know that the trip was going to show her something that none of her lists had written.
