Introduction | A Man at the Peak, But Lost
In one of my philosophical counseling sessions, a forty-five-year-old man sat across from me. A senior manager of a large company, with a salary many dream of, a house in the north of the city, two luxury cars, and a social position everyone wishes for.
But his face was not the face of someone who had reached the peak. It was the face of someone who had lost himself at the peak.
He said: “I have everything. But it’s as if I have nothing. Every morning I wake up, a hand-span of my heart is emptier than yesterday. I, the successful one, am the emptiest person on earth.”
I asked him: “Why did you strive so much? What were you fighting for?”
He gave a bitter smile and said: “Honestly… I never asked. I just saw everyone running, so I ran too. Everyone was climbing the ladder, so I climbed too. But now that I’m at the top of the ladder, I see I chose the wrong wall. And worse, I don’t know how to come down.”
This man is the symbol of modern humans: someone who has won all the prizes in the game of success, but has lost in the game of life. He is “successful” enough, but his life is by no means “desirable.”
What Is Success, What Is Desirability?
To understand this difference, we must separate the two concepts.
A successful life is a state in which a person has achieved externally defined goals: wealth, position, fame, degree, social approval. Success always has an “outside”: a rival, a measure of evaluation, or a society that approves it. No one is successful alone; success finds meaning in comparison with another.
A desirable life is a state in which a person experiences inner satisfaction, depth of meaning, authentic connection with others, and the flourishing of their talents. Desirability has an “inside”; it is tied to a person’s feelings, values, and self-perception. To measure it, there is no need for comparison with others.
Someone can apparently have all the indicators of success but be disgusted with their life. And someone can, despite lacking those indicators, have a life full of meaning and satisfaction.
Psychology | Three Fundamental Needs
In contemporary psychology, the theory of “self-determination” is one of the most influential frameworks for understanding the difference between success and desirability. This theory says humans have three innate psychological needs:
– Autonomy: The feeling that our behavior is based on our own choice, not external pressure.
– Competence: The feeling that we have the ability and skill in doing things.
– Relatedness: The feeling that we have a deep and authentic connection with others.
Mere success usually satisfies only the need for “competence.” But a desirable life takes shape when all three needs are met. If success is accompanied by a loss of autonomy and a rupture of connection, then success leads to “psychological depletion.”
A success that is not accompanied by autonomy and connection is like a prize given to you in prison; it has value, but it doesn’t set you free.
Sociology | The Market of Success and Social Acceleration
Modern society has created a “market of success” that constantly makes the ladder taller. In this market, you never reach the point of “enough,” because there is always someone more successful than you.
This social acceleration has three destructive consequences:
– Increased speed of life: We must run faster to not fall behind.
– Increased rate of change: Criteria and values constantly change.
– Increased technological innovation: New tools constantly replace old ones.
The result of these three is “modern alienation.” We become alienated from ourselves, from others, and from the world. In this space, apparent success comes at a heavy price: the loss of calm, depth, and meaning.
But a desirable life is not bought and sold in this market. A desirable life grows in the “garden of calm,” where speed is meaningless and comparison has no place. Where a person strives not for “winning,” but for “being.”
A Thought Experiment | If I Die Tomorrow
To feel the difference between these two concepts with your whole being, do this simple experiment.
Imagine you receive a message right now: Tomorrow morning, exactly at 8, you will take your last breath. You have one full night to look at your life.
Look at today’s achievements. At the successes you’ve fought for. Which of these successes, on the last night, is worth valuing?
The honest answer of many of us is the same. On the last night, no one regrets “I wish I had one more successful project” or “I wish I had made more money.”
Regrets are always directed at other things:
– I wish I had spent more time with my family.
– I wish I had told my friend that I love them.
– I wish I had the courage to live the way I wanted.
– I wish, instead of running, I had sometimes stopped and watched life.
– I wish, instead of succeeding, I had lived well.
This experiment shows that success serves the work of “living”; but a desirable life is “living” itself. Success is a means to build a life, but if building comes at the cost of losing life itself, it is not only undesirable but becomes a disaster.
The Central Idea | Success Is the Answer to “How,” Desirability Is the Answer to “Why”
Success tells us how to climb the stairs; but a desirable life tells us whether it’s worth standing at the top.
Many of us, like that senior manager, have leaned the ladder against the wrong wall. We have succeeded, but on a path that doesn’t lead to a desirable life. We have climbed the stairs one by one, but at the peak, we’ve realized that the view we wanted isn’t there.
But this doesn’t mean denying success. The issue is not “success or desirability,” but “success in service of desirability” versus “success as an idol.” The problem isn’t success itself; the problem is idolizing success. When success turns from a means into a god, we sacrifice our life to it. But when we see success as a means to reach a desirable life, we can use it without losing ourselves to it.
Conclusion | Success Is a Means, Desirability Is an End
A successful life and a desirable life are two different destinations. Success is a means, and desirability is an end. A means is never the same as an end.
Success can contribute to desirability, but does not guarantee it. Sometimes it even makes it harder.
A desirable life lies not in accumulating successes, but in harmonizing the fundamental relations of life: relation with self, others, the world, time, and values.
We may never reach “everything,” but we can reach “harmony.” And perhaps a desirable life is another name for this very harmony.
Sources
- Deci, Edward L., and Richard M. Ryan. Self-Determination and Intrinsic Motivation. (Note: This is likely a reference to their foundational work; the specific English title may be Intrinsic Motivation and Self-Determination in Human Behavior, Plenum Press, 1985, or their later articles.)
- Rosa, Hartmut. Social Acceleration: A New Theory of Modernity. Translated by Jonathan Trejo-Mathys. New York: Columbia University Press, 2013.
- The Nicomachean Ethics. Translated by David Ross, revised by Lesley Brown. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2009.
- MacIntyre, Alasdair. After Virtue: A Study in Moral Theory. 3rd ed. Notre Dame, IN: University of Notre Dame Press, 2007.
- Nussbaum, Martha C. Creating Capabilities: The Human Development Approach. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 2011.
- Tolstoy, Leo. The Death of Ivan Ilyich. Translated by Richard Pevear and Larissa Volokhonsky. New York: Vintage Books, 2012 (or 2009 edition).
- Diener, Ed. Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth. (Note: The original English edition is co-authored with Robert Biswas-Diener, published by Blackwell Publishing, 2008.)
- Frankl, Viktor E. Man’s Search for Meaning. (Note: The original English translation is by Ilse Lasch, published by Beacon Press, with various editions.)
